Over Spring Break, I was cleaning my room, when, under the muck and grime, I found a fairly decent copy of the Bible. I, being the inquisitive boy that I am, asked my mommy where it came from. It turns out that we received a copy of the Good Book due to the untimely death of my uncle. Instead of tossing it with all the other books I don't read, I decided to take it out to the garage, where we house the rest of our books, and I filed it under "J" for Jesus. Little did I know, Jesus did not, in fact, pen the Bible. And neither did God. Now, to stifle my curiosity, I decided to take a look at the Book and see if I could figure out who wrote it. In the process, I absorbed some of the key themes of the Bible, and I wish to share them with you to see if I have it right.

         After reading El Libro, I was struck by the recurring themes it had in common with 1984 by George Orwell. The whole Bible seems to be a brilliant exercise in doublethink: when you think two contradictory things and believe them both. Ok, let's take a broad look at things. There are two testaments, Old and New. The Old Testament features a god who is a bad*** who enjoys smiting nations of unbelievers and the "sweet savor" of animal sacrifice. This god made bets with the Devil over the faith and piety of some of his flock. All in all, the god of the Old Testament is a really cool dude. The God of the New Testament, on the other hand, is a peace-loving, tree-hugging hippy who enjoys turning the other cheek. And he may or may not be Jesus. The god of the Old Testament would tell you that turning the other cheek so many times would have you bent over to present some un-bruised cheeks. The point is, how can Christians worship a "God" who is so obviously schizophrenic? Yet most take both the Old Testament and New Testament as true though they are damn near mutually exclusive. And then you also can read some of Titus wherein Paul says that one should avoid "foolish questions and genealogies," which, taken literally, means that we should avoid WHOLE chapters of Genesis and good parts of a great many of the other books of the Bible

        The story of Cain is one of the more inane in the Bible, which is saying a lot, considering some of the stories. Cain is the son of Adam and Eve. He has a brother named Abel, whom he murders. Cain is then exiled. First off, he finds a wife. Let's ponder for a second. At this moment there are three people in the world: Adam, Eve, and Cain. Cain could be acting out his Oedipal tendencies, but that probably would have been stated, as the Bible is fond of such things. Or Cain's wife could be some form of animal, which is even less likely. The most likely occurrence, as my Dad likes to say, is that there are "lesser breeds without the law." Which doesn't quite follow along with that whole Creation thing, but, whatever. Then Cain and his wife(?) have a child named Enoch. Cain then builds a CITY! Again, let's recap. Cain, his wife, and Enoch account for exactly, unless my math is off, three people. Three people do not a city make. Maybe a mud hut, but not a city.

          This is not to say that the Bible does not have its moments. Ecclesiastes and the Song of Solomon are two very good books, mostly because they don't make much of a point. And the Psalms and Proverbs are pretty harmless, but repetitive. Perhaps I'm taking it too literally, but I don't see how many ways there can be to interpret John eating a book and it making his belly bitter.

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