All Right, If You Like That Sort of Thing

Because the summer reading shows no sign of ever getting any better, and in fact shows signs of deterioration, I have decided that the reader (you) should get some sense that there are many good books that have nothing to do with any sort of old men and fishing or long-winded women who are fascinated with the floors of their respective dining rooms. Actually, any book about old men and/or fishing is necessarily boring and should not be considered literature. It should be classified as human waste, in the most literal sense. But back to the original point: I have decided that I will give you my top seven books. That I have read, of course. If they were books like, I don't know, House on Mango Street I would not be able to put it in my list, because I have not rea…never mind.

7.The Stand- This is kind of a modern day epic that is all about that good vs. evil stuff. They made a TV movie about it starring Lieutenant Dan. There is this plague and only a few folks survive. They divide into two camps, one utterly evil, and one kind of fair. Ends up the way most good vs. evil books end up.

6.The Martian Chronicles- This is a very good book that should be higher on this list but I decided it shouldn't be (logic.) It is as complex as 3 1/2 and easily 2 times as interesting. It's mostly a bunch of short little stories connected with a central theme-I think. It is very well done, whatever it is.

5.If You Give A Mouse A Cookie- A cautionary tale for all ages. It composed my whole theory on life for a good five years: "Don't give anything to anybody, because they are all greedy little mice."

4.The Puppet Masters- This was a very good book, but not quite the equal of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. If you have ever read The Old Man and The Sea, this is almost the complete antithesis of that book. So that gives you an idea. It is the best book about gray slugs attaching to people's backs that I have ever read.

3.The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire- What can you say about the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire? Not much.

2.The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy- This is easily the funniest book I have ever read. If you don't think it is funny you are a misologist and a fascist. To truly understand irony you must read this book. Also very interesting because it tells you all you would ever want to know about Quantum Physics (very little.) And it explains why the number 42 is so important in our society. If you ask a question with a numerical answer you will invariably get 42. It is the way of things.

1.Lord of the Rings- This is the best book that I have read so far. Barring the fact that the main character Frodo is a little, as they say, "fey," it is utterly flawless. It is epic in scope, and what not. It is a large book, actually is three different volumes, each of about 400 pages. It is good vs. evil and all that jazz. Though Tolkien, the chap who wrote it, says it wasn't an allegory for World War II, I think it at least reflected the feelings of the time, if not the events. He made a fully realized world out of thin air, and you've got to respect that kind of imagination.

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