Wilk’s Rant: Flying

Richard Wilk

Fear, pain, doubt, and rage are all words that can be attributed to the horror that is flying on an airplane. It is as though being hurdled through the air in an aerodynamic chunk of steel attached to two turbine engines isn’t enough, but one also has to put their lives in the hands of two individuals who they have never met and who could very well be drunk, stoned, or just had a bad day and wants to take everyone down with him. Being recently subjected to this cruel and unusual torture, I am going to highlight some of the more charming aspects of the flying deathtrap that we call the airplane.

Other passengers are a never-ending source of annoyance in an airplane. There is nothing that disgusts me more than having to be confined in a small tube of metal with someone that is constantly sneezing, coughing, and blowing their nose. For all one knows they could be carrying the flu, Ebola, small pox, syphilis, pneumonia, or the plague. On top of that, it seems who on every flight that ones takes there is always a small child or another nuisance that insists on screaming, crying, or bothering its parent about getting that medication that it needs to live. There is nothing more annoying than having to listen to such children for five hours while you try to sleep, read, or attempt to ignite your shoe bomb.

Aside from the other passengers on the plane, one always has to deal with the angry in-flight personnel. These people are always scowling, and not often helpful, unless it is their designated time to be so. When they are forced to help the passengers, they belligerently storm down the isles demanding to know if passengers want the, “Tuna Casserole Delight” or the “Corn Beef and Spam Special” both of which are disgusting. These people most always snap at passengers in an angry manner, and though they are eventually helpful, they seem scornful that they have to do so.

Now, the flight would be tolerable if they offered some reasonable entertainment, but they do not. One is always subjected to the movie that they play on the little screen in front of him. Since these movies require earphones to listen to, it is not so bad since the entire plane is not tortured by the mindless dribble that spews from the mouth of the worthless actors up on the screen. But other passengers do buy these earphones that usually cost about five dollars, and everyone else on the plane is forced to listen to the “hyena-like” laughter that they emit from their shrunken vocal cords. Bringing one’s own entertainment is also not suggested. Since most people have the memory and attention span of a freshman they are extremely likely to leave their prized possessions on the plane for the flight crew to victoriously steal when the passenger leaves the plane.

Flying is truly a rigorous experience. On top of having to sit in one spot for hours on end, which increases ones chances of fatal blood clots in the legs, one is also forced to run the risk of terrorists hijacking the plane, which could result in a great amount of unpleasantness to the other passengers. Flying is a painful game of ‘Russian Roulette’ that thousands of people play every day. If you are interested in a death defying adventure and masochism is your thing, then flying may be right for you.